Dreams: The Time Bandits' Adventures

Edited by Phil Stubbs

The adventures of the Time Bandits are below described by the text from the original UK programme from the film...
Once upon many times there was a troupe of tiny bandits travelling through holes in time and space, holes in the fabric of the universe, left there by a Supreme Being forced into creating the world in only six days.

The film Time Bandits tells of the adventures of these desperate but engagin travellers, a band of greedy dwarves played by David Rappaport, Kenny Baker, Jack Purvis, Mike Edmonds, Malcolm Dixon and Tiny Ross, and their reluctant little companion KEVIN (Craig Warnock), racing through history, robbing and being robbed by some very famous and expensive movie stars.

The story goes like this: the TIME BANDITS have a blueprint showing the time holes and they are charged by the SUPREME BEING (Ralph Richardson), with the task of patching up his handiwork.

Instead, overcome by greed, the dwarves RANDALL, FIDGIT, WALLY, OG, STRUTTER and VERMIN steal the map and race off into history. By one of their many mistakes, they land in the mail-order-catalogue nightmare of 1980s Britain where KEVIN, a classic little English schoolboy, is taking refuge from kitchen gadget lunacy in the astonishments of history in words and pictures.

The dwarves crash into KEVIN's world through the wardrobe in his bedroom and then with them he somersaults through a time tunnel into Italy in the violent hours immediately following a Napoleonic victory.

NAPOLEON BONAPARTE himself (Ian Holm), obsessed by his short physical stature, yet consoled by his tall successes, resolves his ambivalence by giving people even smaller than he - the dwarves and KEVIN - commands in his army and control of his wealth. But NAPOLEON passes out after several brandies too many and, grabbing a tapestry full of the world's great art treasures, the Bandits tear through a hole in time to arrive in Sherwood Forest around the end of the twelfth and the beginning of the thirteenth centuries.

They fall on VINCENT (Michael Palin) and PANSY (Shelley Duvall), who are in 'love' and travelling by coach which overturns to hurl huge amounts of swag into the hands of the already overloaded dwarves.

They fail to reckon with the sophistication of ROBIN HOOD (John Cleese) who has a good handle on the realities of charity: it begins at home. Deprived of their hard-stolen treasures by this legendary philanthropist, they are chased by the SUPREME BEING and cast into further time travel. KEVIN falls through a different time hole and suddenly finds himself in Ancient Greece - sole spectator at a very heavy duel [above] between AGAMEMNON (Sean Connery) and the MINOTAUR. Kevin's intervention in the fight enables AGAMEMNON to strike the deathblow and he awards the boy his metal mask, the heirdom to the throne and his friendship.

KEVIN retuns in great triumph to the city with AGAMEMNON proclaiming him a hero, but the dwarves turn up to steal the boy and his Greek loot away. They hide out in the early twentieth century on board a liner, bound for New York.

But as they hit the deck, they crash into another romance beyween VINCENT and PANSY, removing his toupee and her illusions, and in any case, the ship turns out to be "The Titanic". It strikes an iceberg and everyonbe ends in the water. EVIL (David Warner) sends them through a whirlpool into the Time of Legends, where a fierce but terminally hypochondriac OGRE (Peter Vaughan) and his good (bad) lady, MRS OGRE (Katherine Helmond) on board their special sailing ship, catch the little heroes and prepare then for a fondue.

KEVIN ingeneously plays on the OGRE's medical problems, as a result of which the OGRE [pictured] and his MISSIS are flung into the water, while the ship is blown into the neighbourhood of a giant who rises from the deep. Catching the ship on his bald head, where it rests as a hat, he carries RANDALL, FIDGIT, WALLY, OG, STRUTTER, VERMIN and KEVIN to the edge of EVIL's Fortress of Ultimate Darkness.

There the greedy gang are trapped into exchanging their priceless blueprint for the Most Fabulous Object in the World, a decision which lands them instead in a cage hanging in timeless limbo.

Breathtakingly, in a brilliantly timed and executed plan, they escape, recapture the map and, pusued by EVIL's pearsome servants, they are chased through more corridors of horrors. One of them is turned into a pig, but they press on to bring about a showdown which should end their troubles.

Unfortunately, sometimes heroes lose a showdown and the TIME BANDITS - even though they are supported by a curious alliance of knights, cowboys, archers and spacecraft which they have brought through the time tunnels, cannot defeat the extraordinarily unpleasant skills of EVIL.

Having defeated all attackers, EVIL is about to bid KEVIN and the TIME BANDITS farewell forever when, in a shattering blast and a bolt of lightning, he is stopped in midspell and transformed into a petrifies block of solid Evil. The SUPREME BEING descends to save the day, turns into Ralph Richardson, dusts down his suit, restores the pig to human form, sets the plot straight, establishes morality and ties up The End.

Except that it isn't The End.

KEVIN wakes up in his bed at home; his house is on fire and his parents are blaming each other for not turning off any one of the thousand gadgets that could have caused it.

But one tiny chip off the block of solid Evil remains...

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